This year so far? Has been total crap. It's been very... well, intense. What with the memories coming back and blending with the new ones and then the whole deal with the final battle. That I admit, I have no idea how turned out. It's not like I wasn't fighting, I was. But something knocked me out and when I woke up there were no one around anymore.

Who won? I don't know. Who lost? Haven't got an idea either. Well, I suppose we won as the world hasn't ended or filled up with evil and it's eight heads. So, I take it we won. Go us! Just... where did everyone go?

Angel's missing. That much I know. The rest of them? I don't know. I heard Wesley's dead. So is Gunn. That blue chick... Illyria? That was her name? Heard she went to Chicago. Well, good for her. Spike? I don't know. Maybe he took off with Angel. Who knows?

I just thought that Angel would, I dunno... look for me? I mean, yeah, so I am the crap son and he's not so good at the being a father part, but he would look for me, wouldn't he? So maybe he isn't gone because he wants to be gone. Maybe he's... kidnapped. Or maybe I'm too bored and need something to do. Like find him.

It's bit of an irony, I think, me now looking for him. Once I dropped him in the bottom of the ocean. Yeah, I'm the good son. Feel the sarcasm. But I'm trying to change, aren't I? Looking for Angel and everything. Go me!

So the first stop... I have no idea. Hyperion? Maybe I should call that ex of his, what was her name? Fluffy? Tuffy? Coffee? We'll see. First the hotel, though.

feels like: determined

I wonder if I should be glad I didn't get to go to that party thing they had last night, I mean, both Melissa and Lily are hangover and as amusing as it wouldn't be it does look painful. No hangover morning is very good, thank you very much. Though, serves them right. That's what you get for going to a party and leaving me home to babysit.

Lily left to talk with Andrew and Melissa's currently yelling real loud in her room. In French. So I suppose she's talking to her mother. I have to talk with Melissa's brother. Anyone who can get her to yell like this? Must be real good.

I should probably do something good today. So that will be my plan for the day. Do something good. Like... haven't got a clue what. Ideas? I went to talk with Darla and Lindsey and Angel yesterday so that leaves me pretty much with no one else. Except my parents. Right. So that's my something good. I do own my parents an explanation about my actions lately. Just what to tell them?

See, you're not my real parents, I'm actually a son of two vampires, my real mother is currently dating my fake mother's fake brother and she actually isn't a vampire anymore, because she died and then my fake mother's fake brother brought her back to life. But it's all ok, because I still think of you as my parents.

Yeah. That will go well.

Maybe I should write a plan or something? That could do, couldn't it? Or maybe not. Oh, well, I'll drink some more coffee and think about all that… on the other hand? I might not drink that coffee as it does taste like shit. What can I say? I do make damn awful coffee.

"I wouldn't drink the coffee if I were you." I comment to Max when he enters the kitchen. Actually him living here might turn out good. I mean, as much as I wouldn't love living together with three females, it's nice to have someone sane around. "I'm Connor."

[Open to Max]

feels like: energetic

Maybe I should start writing diary? I mean, I would really have a lot to write, wouldn't I? But diaries are for chicks. Or just not for me. I should make one in internet. Yeah. They have servers that hosts those, don't they? I think I once heard someone say they do. I'll check. Diary would go so well with the shrink Melissa wants me to get. Why do I need a shrink, really? I'm fully normal. If we discount the psycho factor.

I don't want to go and see a shrink, but Melissa insists I need one. And she actually knows someone who I can tell everything. As in everything. As in magic, demons, trying to kill your father, having two sets of memories and stuff like that. What kind of shrink is it anyway? Because, I am not gonna go and spill my guts to some weirdo demon. I'm still not sure if I want to trust any kind of demons. Bad memories.

"See? That's you." Amber says as she hands me her newest drawing. Oh, yeah, this totally looks like me. I'm yellow and all that. I have perfectly took over Melissa's strategy to smile and tell what a lovely drawing Amber has done. And then go and hang it somewhere. I'll make a great parent. Or well, a parent like Melissa, which could not be all that good. I'm so glad she's not my mother.

Talking about my mother... Everything is so twisted. I liked Darla. I really did. I hope to talk with her more as the time goes by. My lovely, very twisted family. I went to see my parents today too. The not-so-real ones. Had to explain them why I took off so sudden and haven't called ever since. It's so weird. They still feel like my real parents and I love them as such. I just feel so lost in all these feelings. Maybe I do need a shrink.

"It's late, cookie, we need to get you to bed." I say and pick Ambs up. She looks as tired as I feel. Maybe I should go to sleep too. It's not like I'm out partying. Unfair. Lily's out and so is Melissa. Everyone's having a party except for me. I'm here with a three years old that has already fallen asleep, resting her head on my shoulder. Neat.

Well, if I don't get a party, I will go to sleep. Nothing better to do anyway. Evil women and their partying without me.

feels like: apathetic

So all this bright idea to go and talk with Angel? Sucked. Not literally, but it still sucked. It wasn’t that bad, I think that’s the reason I’m slightly pissed. I suppose, I just wanted to go and beat him up, but then, when I actually started to talk with him? I don’t know, but the wish to beat the living dead? shit out of him kinda faded. I just... felt so tired...

I still actually do, mostly probably because I’ve already had two talks I would have loved to avoid and now I’m ready for the next one. No, scratch that, I’m not ready. Fuck! I haven’t even really got a clue what to say to Darla. I have never met her. Well, nearly never, I doubt that time with me sacrificing an innocent girl and Darla showing up as ghost to tell me how off I am counts. It doesn’t, right? Please?

Well, and then there was the little time when we run into each other at Lindsey’s, but that counts even less as I had no idea who she was back then. Not really sure now. I know who she is, I know she gave her life or unlife or whatever so I can live, but... I can’t bring myself to call her my mother. I don’t feel... good enough to do that.

Holtz used to tell me about Darla too. Of course it was less than he told me about Angel, because for obvious reasons my hate towards Angel was better thing for Holtz as Darla was already dead. But he did tell me about her. Like what she did together with Angel. Darla’s no saint, hardly so, but everyone changes, right? I believed Lindsey when he said Darla loved me. I don’t doubt that. I just can’t see why would she.

When I walk out of Angel’s room Darla doesn’t look happy, but I pretty much blame that on the fact I left her alone with Amber. Who seems to have stopped crying. I wonder if Darla threatened to kill her, but knowing the fact Amber’s a lot like Melissa? She probably would have just stick her tongue out at her... but Darla doesn’t really seems the type you can just stick your tongue at...

I tell Amber that I’ll leave her here with Angel because I need to talk with Darla in private. The kid actually seems happy with that idea. She loves Angel. I wonder who else can say that…

I don’t really say anything to Darla as we both make our way to the coffee bar nearly Wolfram and Hart. I’m still trying to figure out what exactly to tell her. Opening the door I let her in the coffee bar and fallow her to one of the free tables. As we sit down I’m still wondering what to say. There seem to be so much we need to talk about, but lately? I’m no good with words. No, wait, actually I have never been good with words.

“I’m sorry.” Well, ok, that wasn’t what I wanted to say, but this will do too.

feels like: listless

College will give me great education and will help me to move on in my life. Or so my parents like to think. It's pretty sad, isn't it? I don't blame them of course, but I doubt college will do that much good for me. But then again, you can get free booze here, no parents that would watch over your every move and you get laid a lot. If you're good. And I am good. Bit cocky, yes, but still good. Or so I have been told.

I think my parents are actually happy to finally have me out of their house, because now they can actually have sex and not try to make no noise because of my super hearing. Ok, yeah, that thought gave me creeps. Parents and sex ain't what you should say or think in the same sentence. Ever. Even if it is true. Parents don't have sex. That will be my motto from now on. They never have sex and they got me by... mail. From amazon.com. I was a good buy, really.

So, college... it's... fun? I'm not sure, yet, I have so far talked with two drug dealers and three chicks has hit on me, and I haven't even got to my room yet. Not really fun this far. Though, I would have done the second dealer, not drugs, though. Not my thing. Do I look like I would use? Seriously, do I? I hope not. My eyes aren't shiny enough for me to be a druggie.

I get a roomy. Just so you know. And no, I wasn't planning on having one. It basically went like this, I went down to this office here where they get you a room and asked for a room for one person. How was I supposed to know that a room for one person needs to be requested about six months before the school year starts? I admit, I never actually thought anyone else would want to live in the room alone...

I hope my new roommate won't suck. No, wait, I rephrase that... I hope he won't be a total lunatic. Now if only I can figure out how to explain the patrol thing and vampire killing thing and super strength thing... I want a room where I would be the only person living in. And how am I supposed to bring anyone over when I have a roommate? Group sex? Well, let's hope he's at least good looking...

Here we go.

feels like: bitchy

So, if one could say I'm a slut before, then one can be real happy now. Because now I will actually be somewhat a slut. It's pretty amusing if you ask me. Dylan agreed to do the escort job with me. The one where we have sex with each other in front of a client. I wonder if that even counts as prostitution, I mean, it's not like we sleep with the client. We sleep with each other. That's kinda ok, right? Not that I really care. I get to have sex with Dylan. That's good enough.

The hotel fired me. I wonder why. Really. I mean, I bet they actually enjoyed watching me going down on Dylan. What's there not to like? Actually they should have paid us for the show instead of firing me. Maybe I can sue... that could actually be interesting, me asking them to pay me. But I can't say I regret what we did. I most definitely do not. The sex was amazing.

What can I say? I'm nineteen years old, I'm supposed to be horny all the time, no? I think I am. Don't really care if I'm not. Horny is fun. Sex is more fun, though. Horny without getting sex might be bit painful, not that I would know, I always get what I want. That's kinda a part of the being spoiled package.

Talking of being spoiled... I gotta visit my parents today. Later today, though. I haven't been home for some time now, who knew living in the dorms would leave me this less of a free time? Well, ok, it might be more of the fact I kinda go to the parties more and kinda have sex more and kinda don't have a wish to go home, but it might not be that, you know? Really.

Ok, I suppose I should actually go to classes or something. Today is the day when I shall be good. Hey! That was not a joke! I am going to my classes now. Religion History the first thing in the morning. And I'm actually attending it. I am good. And I'm pretty sure this is the second year I'm taking this class. Weird, I could have sworn Religion History was supposed to be taught only one year...

feels like: determined
sounds like: Linkin Park - Points of authority

This movie must be the weirdest thing ever. It has dancing bears and singing bears and bears what so ever. It's weird. And kinda twisted. Actually I think I once killed a demon that looked very much like that bear they're showing now, just less with the looking as a bear, you know? And, no, I don't really know why I'm watching this thing. Haven't got a clue. Oh! They're singing.

I could always blame that on the 'lets mess Connor's head' thing. I should blame it on that. So I will. And I actually think I start to sound like Melissa and that's hardly good. Gotta turn the TV off and go get some breakfast. That's one thing that is really good living here, Melissa always makes breakfast for Amber, so I get to eat too. Though, I think waffles and pancakes are the only thing she can cook...

"I'm ready." Ambs says as she walks in the kitchen, all dressed and stuff. She looks at me bit annoyed and it's obviously who her mommy is. Amber's a spitted image of Melissa. "How come you're still not ready?" She asks looking at what I'm wearing.

"Because." She's tree year old, I am allowed to annoy her. Still it's not as fun as to annoy Melissa. "What's with the pink? Want Mel to have a heart attack or something?" I ask as I sip my coffee and look at the jacket Amber's wearing.

"Pink is new black." She says and then giggles. If there is one person who adores annoying Melissa more than I do? It's definitely Ambs. She is a little angel... when someone looks. Otherwise? A pure devil. Takes after her mother, I suppose.

"Hey, do you mind if we go somewhere before I take you to Eliza?" Yes, I admit, I am asking three years old if she isn't mind me going somewhere. Um... Ambs mature for her age? She is, you know…

"Where?"

"I want to... visit my mom." I figured that if there is one person I own something it's definitely Darla. I need to admit I'm not thrilled with the idea to go to Lindsey's place, because... well, my mind still is pretty messed up, but I want to talk with Darla. I have things I want to say. And yes, I am taking Ambs with me for courage.

"Cool." She says and nods. Soon we're at Lindsey's apartment's door and Amber's knocking. Mostly because I don't really know if being here was a good idea. Because...

It's Lindsey who opens the door.

feels like: blank

Life's still a mess but somehow these past few days with Lily has made everything bit brighter. Or maybe Lindsey's effective and I'm looking at everything from the bright side. I think I'm ready to return in Los Angeles, I don't really want to, but hiding from problems is not a way to be. I'm just not sure what to expect.

I'd lie if I say I haven't thought of the reaction other people had when I got my memories back, of course I would never have thought that Angel's reaction will be to tell me how proud of me he is or Lindsey's reaction will be looking at the bright side of things, but then again, I don't think they ever said they're normal.

If Melissa's right they both are under a spell, but really? I don't think I want to speak with any of them. I wonder if it was fun for them to lie me, to see how I live not knowing a thing about myself. The only person I really want to meet when I get back to L.A. is Darla. I'm bit scared of meeting her, for reasons I can't explain, but I o want to meet her.

Maybe I'm just afraid... I won't be what she expects from me. I'm… afraid to disappoint her. To not be what she wants of a son. I don't know, there's no other way to find out except for actually getting back to Los Angeles, right? Right. So, Los Angeles it is.

I've decided to be more... normal when we get back. Not normal normal, because I'm hardly normal, but more normal than I was before I left. No more running or spying on Angel. Not really sure if I even want to talk with him for now. But I need to feel better for the sake of people I meet. Like for Lily. I hate when she worries about me and so I need to be better. And I will. Somehow.

feels like: determined

"Why do you even want to have internship here? You hate the place." I say to Payton pushing the elevator's button. Wolfram and Hart. This is actually how we with Payton met in the first place. Her dad works here and so does mine. Who knew Wolfram and Hart could actually make someone best friends?

"It will look great at my CV, you know that. Besides, I will probably end up working here after the college anyway." She's right. Payton, even if she hates learning, is great student and will make a great lawyer and Wolfram and Hart is very interested in great lawyers.

"Right. Ok. Why am I here?" Not that I'm complaining coming with Payton to Wolfram and Hart, really. I might run into Faith. Not that it's my main interest here. Well, ok, yeah it is my main reason here, but... I can't help it I can't get her out of my mind. Not that I really have tried hard... um, maybe hard but no so much of the tried...

"You're my support. Besides, your dad owns this place." I'm making sure she gets to do very less and gets paid very much. Figures. This is so in Payton's style. "She works here, doesn't she?" Huh? "That slayer chick you fucked, she works here, doesn't she? I can see it in your eyes." Fuck. Am I that readable? "Yeah, you are." Of course.

"She might be..." I reply as the elevator stops. It would really be pointless to lie to Payton, she always knows what I think. It's pretty scary actually, but that's what's the best friends are for, right? As long as she's more of my best friend that my ex-girlfriend I'm ok. She's frightening ex-girlfriend, believe me, I dated her.

"You're so pathetic, Connor." Of course I am. It figures Payton would say that. But I'm not complaining... I am kinda pathetic. I shake my head and try to ignore her as the elevator door opens and I see dad talking with... something.

"Hey, dad!"

feels like: hopeful

This night has turned out very good as far as I can see. I'm not a fan of parties, seriously, I'm not, but this one I liked very much. Not the party itself, really, more like the people in it. At least one of them. Payton will be so proud of me, I actually got laid. And what a good lay that one was. I'd have known someone with superpowers is this good I would have found someone long time ago.

Faith. She's quite something. Vampire slayer. No wonder dad's always happy. No, I did not just think of my parents' sex life. That's 'eww'. So, I didn't. No way. Still I wonder if the great sex is connected with the superpowers. I think it is. Or Faith's simply a sex goddess, which, if you ask me is a pretty real possibility.

My body feel bit sore. That's new. I feel exhausted. I never do. After a fight or sex, I never feel tired. I do now. Told you she's good. I feel like sleeping for days. Really good sex. I wonder if I will meet her again, my guess? I will. She is working in Wolfram and Hart. Means she's working for dad. Oh, fuck. That can't really be good, can it?

It's pretty late when I finally get back to the dorms, but Dylan's still up. Studying. Well, at least one of us are, that's good too. I should study. I know I should. Doesn't meant I will. Tired and stuff. Not really a fun of learning. I'll just tell... my roommate ate my homework. I wonder if that would work...

"Had fun tonight?" I ask falling in the bed and looking up at Dylan who's sitting by the table and looking at me. I wonder if I look as good as I feel. Or as tired. And I wonder when the grin will go away from my face. I don't think it's hard to tell I have got laid. I'm pretty easy. Obviously.

feels like: happy